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Comedy Dialogue / Montage Sequence

Discussion in 'Critique & Feedback' started by Benjamin Sturley, Jan 18, 2018.

  1. Hi everyone,

    I'm Ben. This is my first post here. I just found the forum from Mike's mention in a recent Unleashed. Thanks for having me, I look forward to becoming an active member.

    This is a recent spec I did for a heart-warming comedy film. The premise is, the protagonist is obese and is prone to binge eating. In the first half of the piece he finds out his long-time crush has a new boyfriend, and he's a jerk. The second half is a montage of him walking all over the city eating anything and everything. Where the music cuts is when the film cuts to him vomiting.

    I'm curious of your thoughts on the compositional development, orchestration, melodies, general flow from A to B, etc.

    I'm happy to post the video, but not sure the rules on that here, as it's not released. Let me know if that'd be cool.

    Thanks!

     
  2. Hi Ben!

    I like the piece, especially the vibe. The production is great as well. The only technical nitpick is that I'd have the percussion be slightly more present (in the high end).

    As for the composition, I don't think I can say much here (I'm sure someone will have something more concrete) other than that I like it as it is. If it serves the picture well, that's even better!

    Welcome to RB! Kudos for posting your piece as your very first post! I look forward to hearing more of your stuff.
     
  3. Hi Ben
    It's obvious you have skills. I don't think there is much to say about the composition. You nailed the vibe and when you bring the 4 note motif in at 1:29 it's nice touch of energy. Since you have command of your skills the only thing I'd like to hear is a little hint of something darker since the eating disorder aspect of the story gives you a chance to explore something more complex but that is all artistic decision making. Like @Aaron Venture says, if you are serving the picture and your director, you are doing the thing. See you around.
     

  4. Hi Aaron. Thanks for taking the time to listen and critique. Funny you mention the percussion, that was probably my most difficult task during the mix, I never quite could get it to sit perfectly. In this mix the perc is a bit lower than in previous mixes. Good call, thanks.

    Hi Gharun, thanks for your insight and the kind words. I can definitely understand where you're coming from with that. Most of my prior work veers a bit darker, and though it's a selfish motive, I wanted to keep this a bit more light hearted, which tends to lend itself nicely to the film. All that said, I recently found out I didn't end up getting the gig. Oh well, onward/upward.
     
  5. Hey Ben.

    Overall really nice work.
    Here is my honest 2 cents. Take anything that helps, disregard anything that does not.
    Also the disclaimer that I am hearing this as a stand alone piece that is actually serving a film --- so it's out of context.

    First the strong points:

    The music has a great "feel" too it. The percussion, bass part, and the brass all sound really great and groovy.
    The bass line has really nice subtle aspects that so many people over look. The percussion part too.

    I have often said, IMO, if a person develops really strong rhythmical foundations of their musicianship they will be in demand.
    Whole artists careers have been built off just that. It's the strongest aspect of your piece.
    Who knows...... maybe someday you will be a bass playing sideman to pop stars .
    (That's a "Dad Joke" btw. Take something obvious and pretend I thought it up)

    The brass parts really shine, and give the music the character. All good.

    The weaker points: (because so much is so good, these stick out even more to me)

    1. The string pizz.: They are the musical equivalent of my Dad joke. Just sounds lame right away. I would re-do or ditch them. Use another pitch rhythm instrument like marimba, or uke., or acoustic guitar....... something you own and play so it keeps the great feel of the piece.

    2. That "Synth" swell: First, the synth swell, soft piano, string pizz, percussion for comedy is such a well travelled road that it let's down the great 2nd half, and brings to my mind so many other scores.

    To continue with my "Dad" analogies this synth swell is like those old golfers who have plaid shorts, jack up the socks to the knees,
    and for some reason once they have retired have taken a liking to wearing pink shirts, while saying the most offensive shit really loud.

    Both of these, unfortunately to my ears make the production sound "Cheap". Why not just have some muted brass swells instead ? You already have them in the piece..... so it would work easily with the compositional development.

    We don't know each other, but I am a very simple person: I like my food spicy, my women sleazy, and my music dark. That's just me in a nutshell. (I like psychedelics too, but had to leave that behind)

    Thus anything "New Orleans" sounding pretty much has me with all the boxes ticked. While it all sounds great, it's loops too much for me.
    Kind of like I am on the phone, and you just put me "on hold". Also since this sounds like a pay-per-minute phone line... I am getting antsy wanting the piece to develop.

    Then ..... it just.

    stops.

    What the fuck was that ? Ahh.......

    Now I am left turned into John T's character from this scene:

     
    Matthias Calis likes this.
  6. I can't add much to what has already been said. When it comes to the composition, I really don't think I have much worthwhile to say. It's good and if you're happy with it and the director's happy, then it's really good! I'll do what I usually do when I don't have anything to say about the composition itself, and that's to focus on the *sound* instead, though I suppose that's technically still part of the composition.

    The string pizzes stood out to me. They felt... a bit strange, a bit off-kilter. This might have been the intended effect however! To me they just don't sound in the same space or something, I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe they're just too loud or panned too far left? I know violins sit left but... you're using the pizzes as an effect and so I think you'd be more than forgiven if you simply put them smack in the center.

    I do quite like the percussion and the brass and everything else. It's just groovy! But I must admit that I'm not someone who listens to Jazz/Big Band records all day so I'm fairly easy to please in that regard (heck, I was momentarily fooled by the Sibelius sound of a sax in one of Doug's compositions). That's to say: I don't think I have a really good ear for this genre of music, so while I like the sound, I'm just not much of an expert on what makes a good drum groove etc.

    All that said, I liked the second part best. The big, fat, waddling tube made me chuckle and I could easily imagine some obese person stumbling down the street while stuffing himself with donuts. Spot on.

    @Doug Gibson I just gotta say: never stop posting. You crack me up.
     
  7. #7 Mike Verta, Jan 22, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2018
    The pizz is not working. Try something else - acoustic guitar - nylon/quasi-spanish perhaps. Post the video if you can.
     

  8. Doug,

    Love it. Thanks dude. Working backwards, yeah sorry about the not resolving. It was written to picture and makes sense (link to video below).

    The synth swell you mention actually is a sampled muted trombone swell, but either way, I was on the fence on it, ended up keeping it, but good call.

    Yeah, pizz strings, agree.

    re: pop stars, yeah, one of these days.
     

  9. Thanks for taking the time to listen and review, much appreciated. Pizz strings, yeah, understood in a growing way. I showed this to my musician friend today who is from new orleans and said one thing I'm missing from a more authentic NOLA/dixieland style is a bit more movement and muted embellishments in the tuba, which is damn near impossible when synthesized, but still a great call.
     
  10. Hey Mike,

    Thanks for taking the time to listen and for the strong alternate to the pizz strings. I'll likely use an alternating pattern or harmony of nylon stringed instruments (uke/guitar, etc.)

    Here's the video. My automation touch is iffy and I have producer's bias, please don't share:

    https://www.dropbox.com/sh/1y59wrq2gbxfe1d/AABH0hH0tl2uTj2jIfQy70Nha?dl=0

    I also just got a last minute call and had to write a big thing in 24 hours, making post about it now if you care to listen.
     

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