Lauri's Toybox

Hi Aaron,

Nice piece, love the eerie ending. I agree with Alexander about the 30-50ish part. That's where I started to zone out for some reason. Not sure if I'd change anything though unless your unsatisfied with it as well.

 

@Aaron Venture the orchestration and the sound are awesome!

 

Great piece, Aaron. Thanks for sharing it. My thoughts while listening:

• 0:36 I think I had similar reaction as Alexander here. You had established a very clear pattern to the phrasing that was really nice and the bit @ 0:36 broke the pattern in a way that made the line feel unfocused. I think one potential solution is to break 0:34 - 0:40 into two voices as a call and answer. If you aren't ready to change colors yet, it could work even as a duet with a second flute added. And 0:40-0:45 with both playing in harmony, then back to solo as 0:45 to finish the section
• 0:55 loved that shift here.
• 1:10 beautiful restatement
• 1:17 bass note sounded like you were setting up a pivot that didn't happen
• 1:34 something feels wrong here. Will need to transcribe to work out what exactly.
• 1:55 sounds cool. was looking forward to hearing that vibe develop but...
• 2:00 changed again not matching vibe at 1:55. felt like it should either develop in the vibe of 1:55 or simplify the vibe at 1:55 to be closer to the vibe at 2:00. hope that makes sense.
• 2:56 great solo here..
• 3:05 not as satisfying as just restating the simple version (Bb->C instead of the Ab->Bb). the dark/minor vibe gives enough new color to let the original pattern of notes take on new meaning
• 3:21 loved that unexpected ending.

 

I had to listen a few more times to understand myself what was bothering me. I think it is essentially that the instrumentation is sparse at that point and the chord at that moment is unclear, as opposed to hearing a pivot that didn't happen. It's possible that you established the chord pattern via the harp during the flute solo, but to me it wasn't strong enough to be sure when the cello solo came in.

I put three versions together to demonstrate what I meant.

• The transcription of what I heard in melody and bass
• What I was expecting from the pattern.
• A possible alternate that keeps the same bass/melody but clarifies the chord (which may still not be what you intended)

This attachment below maps to the bit starting at 1:08. Hope this helps.

By the way, this tune was stuck in my head all day.

 

I like the way the piece unfolds. Well thought out. A nice ride.

A few idea:

Make some of your sustained flute notes shorter in the first section so the flute player can breath - adds realism and gives the ear a short break. Mike talks about this and suggests blowing as the player does to get a feel of the realities. The small breaks also help better present the phrasing; like people talk.

I love the sounds in the harmonic changes at 1:00 but (here it comes) I don't think they fit with what is coming next. They sound like a transition to something darker. The minor 3rd and all that. Instead, you play a version of the A section in the cello. You could put the cello section into a minor key ?? Anyway, that was my listening impression.

Your samples sound good! Nice job Wish I'd written it.

Craig

 

Hmmm... I see what you mean now. Chalk it up to my poor hearing then!

It wasn't meant as a complaint. I was just attesting that you achieved a measure of the "transportable" quality to which I aspire.

 

Hello Sir !

Great work as always. Since we are partners in crime ..... here comes the beat down.

Two things I would highly suggest you look at either doing for this piece, or just on a seperate piece just so you have practice with it:

1. Interesting accompanyment
2. Counter Melody, and imitation.

Actually for both, I would say look at the chamber music of Schubert. Death and the Maiden, and also the string quintet in C would be ideal works to study. Study in the sense of "What kind of patterns create exciting accompaniment"

You know, this John Williams piece has everything I am suggesting. Notice how the accompaniment (viola) has enough irregularity to provide both melodic and
rhythmic interest. Then, on the repeat of the theme we get a cannon to make things even more interesting.

For me, I would keep many more people playing after that big build up you have. You gotta pay em anyway.... put em to work.
It also creates a drag on your piece. Umm....... Beautiful Mind could be worth a listen. Again..... for the accompaniment.

For some reason I feel like posting this piece of mine. This is me 15 years ago. The piece flat out sucks a horse's ass.
But that's ok. I learned from it. I was still in conservatory. I think this is a piece I went away thinking about the same two topics I am suggesting.

 

Basically it can be so easy to over state the down beat of a measure.

So for example in Death and the Maiden - look at the figure in violin 1 and how the contour change pushes things forward more as
the 2nd 16th is in a new register. If you were not looking at the score, you can imagine how someone could transcribe incorrectly as the lower notes being on 1.

Even with Williams I am sure you will notice a lot of times he holds off on bass pizz on 1. It can just make things move forward a little more.

Like a weight. Not as in drag queen. Like a car with the hand break on.

Ahh.....Aaron, the uber nice guy gets in the last shot. I was fishing for "oh it's not that bad....don't be so hard on yourself." Only.... "I see what you mean"

I'm just kidding. I was not fishing..

 

PS.

If you have a melody, you can often find a contrapuntal line within the melody.

Take ex 1




Thus can be turned into

 

Great! That bit of pruning and planting in V2 made a big difference in my ability to stay with you along the way. Nice work and lovely piece.

 

Great improvements from v1. It's turning out really well. Keep it up.