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The Poisened Pen

Discussion in 'Critique & Feedback' started by Doug Gibson, Dec 22, 2018.

  1. #1 Doug Gibson, Dec 22, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
    Think "Perry Mason" episode.

    Just a sketch I began last night. Easy to follow ???




    Update:



    Update 2


     
  2. I thought I was with you and then the rhythm at about 0:14 really threw me off. Then on relistening from the beginning it seems the downbeat maybe isn't where I thought the first time. On first pass I thought trumpet was playing on the downbeat, but on second listen it seems like on the & of 1. Maybe a mix thing that makes the downbeat obscure? The rest of the piece made more sense once I shifted my reference point.
     
  3. Hi Doug,

    Thanks for sharing. Chord progressions are nice to follow and they make sense to me. The trumpets melody is fine, the only thing for me personally is the rhythmic phrasing and the timing of the trumpet which seems to me a bit intentionally "off" but just confusing tbh. I am guessing but I think I know what you are after that the trumpet is playing not on the strong beats but more in the gaps and weak countings which is fine. But the long notes should start on the beat or on the weak countings a bit later but not before imo at least when you start the whole phrase . Also the end of the triadic phrase movement is at least from my feel from the 5th note to the end of the phrase not quite right to my ears. I would keep it a bit more straight, but work here with a kind of ritardando (what retard??:eek:) where the whole band section is moving slower to add more gravity to the melody. For better illustration I would have to record the example on my daw. Can you maybe export the whole thing? I could manage to create a version to illustrate you better what I mean. Though the poisened pen title fits the strangely of timings quite good as it seems the poison is causing hazardation on the ryhthmic choices

    Alex
     
  4. No problem following here. The rhythm of the melody doesn't bother me, but I get what John and Alexander mentioned. The vibe seems right on to me.
     
  5. Great piece! Full of potential, let me in the vibe instantly, good work.
     
    Paul T McGraw likes this.
  6. Hey Alexander

    Thanks for listening and taking the time to post. Always good to get another's opinion. (Thanks to John too !)
    Sure, lets see if this works. I am attaching the midi and XML files and they can be grabbed here.
    https://www.dropbox.com/sh/lrzs1pnmr41l58k/AAANYKkERVIj5s8dNr88TbKPa?dl=0

    Here is a Score video with piano reduction.

    Cheers !

    Doug

     
    Massimo Santi likes this.
  7. Love the vibe and the rhythm didn't bother me, I found it a pleasant surprise, the backing instruments are keeping the rhythm just fine. I often find rhythms a little "straight" and boring with melodies.
     
    Paul T McGraw likes this.
  8. Thanks to everyone comments, I made a short addition to the music. I must admit I would have moved on to something else if I did not read the thread.

    "Don't fear the Smoltz" could the title for where it leaves off. (It's not really an ending so far)

     
  9. I want to hear more Doug! That's all I wanted to say. :D
     
    Paul T McGraw likes this.
  10. For me, mostly what others have said, though I also think it would benefit from some rubato. This is probably a huge pain in Sibelius, but some dramatic slowdowns at the end of each trumpet phrase (assuming each one ends with the whole note) would bring the whole thing together more.

    Oh, and I really dig the orchestration!
     
  11. I hear the piano rhythm start on the on-beats but it soon moves to the off-beats. This happens with the Db-B-Bb eight notes (end of msr 3 into 4) which sound like a strong move to a downbeat on Bb. It's all on-beat after that for me. The trumpet phrases secure that feeling. I don't think I would want to be hearing offsbeats under the trumpet anyway. I suspect the mind defaults rhythms to the on-beat unless given strong queues that it is otherwise. Too much work otherwise. Are you being tricky Doug? I like it.

    I imported your midi file. It's played "as is" except I centered the pans. Haunting.

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/a8is2kjbp0hqknr/Poisened Pen - Early Piano Version.wav?dl=0

    Keep going on this one.
     
    Alexander Schiborr likes this.
  12. Thats what I was gonna want to do today. Pretty much my same assesment.
     
  13. Arrrggghhhh. So this case is harder to crack than I thought. I'm frustrated. It's not right. Dah !

    Want to move on to the next case, but this is sticking in my head. Like a Perry Mason case, it seems too obvious, and I have no idea how to end it.

    Dah...... %#$#%#^#^$&*$*#&&@&*#&#& (imagine tourettes swearing)

    Version 2

    Orchestrated:



    Piano Reduction:

     
  14. @Doug Gibson very nice piece. I liked the vibe, the rhythms, pretty much everything. I could do without the gliss, however. For some reason, this makes me think of a murder mystery, perhaps a murder mystery set in Paris. I think that would have happened even without the title, but the title sort of sets it up in my mind.

    I love the use of the pedal tones and the harmonies. The harmonies are what really make this piece work. The harmonies in M21 to M23 being a perfect example of harmonic color. Just delicious.
     
    Rohann van Rensburg likes this.
  15. Hi Paul !

    Thanks for the compliment ! Yes, that is exactly what I am after. I listened recently to the old Perry Mason theme, and this is meant to be right in that world. (but not as a theme song)

     
    Paul T McGraw and Aaron Olson like this.
  16. Please keep going with this! You may not know how to end it, but the ending you do have doesn't sound bad either.
     
  17. Hey Doug,

    That's a lovely piece. What's up with everyone writing noir vibes this Christmas? :D

    Anyway, I have no problems with the rhythm and offbeats (if that's what I'm reading about above?), I think it feels very much in-motion, a bit less static than what I imagine a more on-beat focus would be. One thing I'm not catching, though, is the break at 0:40 to 0:50. It unnerves me a bit, as if something is missing there. Perhaps a lone horn?
     
  18. I like that section, feels Bond-y.
     

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